What Is Self-Love Really? (And Why It’s Not Selfish)

When I was younger, I was told that you shouldn’t love yourself too much.
That if you did — or even liked yourself — it meant you were full of yourself.
Self-love wasn’t encouraged. It was something to be wary of.

I’m sure my teenage self would be cringing if she knew she’d grow up to become a self-love coach.

As a teen, you never wanted to say something good about yourself.
There was judgment toward anyone who “felt good” about themselves or showed they were proud.
If you had confidence, you had to tuck it away — just enough to be likable.
I was afraid to be categorized as someone who was self-centered, had a big ego, or loved themselves.

And all of that conditioning shaped a young woman who nitpicked everything about herself.

Where My Self-Love Journey Began

My self-love journey began in college when I realized how deeply insecure I was.
I found myself Googling things like:
“How to build confidence.”
“How to improve self-esteem.”

One of the first tools I discovered was positive affirmations.
At the time, they felt almost impossible to say.
Simple phrases like “I am beautiful” or “I am capable” made me uncomfortable — because I had never let myself believe them.

But I wanted to.
So I wrote down a list of affirmations I wanted to believe — like:

• I am intelligent
• I am strong
• I am independent

And I promised myself I would repeat them every night before I went to sleep.

It felt awkward at first. But slowly, something began to shift.

I didn’t fully understand the science at the time, but I was creating new neural pathways.
Our brains are wired to follow familiar patterns — which is why our thoughts often feel like habits. But by repeating new thoughts, we carve new paths. And over time, those thoughts become more natural.

That alone changed everything.
Because your thoughts shape your actions, and your actions shape your life.

Over time, I noticed that when self-doubt crept in, I could reach for a different thought.
And that shift changed how I showed up — not just mentally, but energetically.

This was the start of my self-love journey.

I want to normalize self-love — to make it safe to say something kind about yourself.

A few months ago, I led a self-love workshop for women where I invited everyone to look into a hand-held mirror and say something they liked about themselves.

For most of us, it felt awkward — not just doing it alone, but especially in front of a group.

But something beautiful happened. Afterward, the participants shared that while it was uncomfortable at first… it felt really good.

Self-love doesn’t always feel natural in the beginning. But the more we practice, the more it begins to take root.

Let’s Redefine Self-Love

There’s a common misconception that self-love is about face masks, bath bombs, and treating yourself.
And while those things can be important, self-love is so much more than that.

To me, self-love means:

• Trusting yourself
• Respecting yourself
• Valuing yourself
• Listening to yourself

It’s a lifestyle — a way of relating to yourself on a daily basis.

Because the person you spend the most time with… is you.

That inner voice? That’s your constant companion.
And when it’s harsh or critical, it’s exhausting.
But when it’s kind and supportive — life feels softer, easier, more peaceful.

Self-love means healing your relationship with yourself.
It’s about looking back at how you’ve treated yourself — how you’ve talked to yourself, cared for yourself, and thought about yourself — and gently beginning to repair it.

And you don’t do that with shame. You do it with compassion.
It’s not about blaming your past self — it’s about accepting what was with love and choosing to do things differently now.

I believe it is the backbone to living a happy, fulfilling life.

Is Self-Love Selfish?

This is one of the most common fears — and misunderstandings.

Many of us were taught that loving yourself means you’ll become arrogant, self-centered, or egotistical.

But here’s the truth:
When we lack self-love, we’re often more self-centered — because we’re constantly worried about how people perceive us, how we’re being judged, or whether we’re enough.

Self-love doesn’t shrink your heart — it expands it.

When you begin to treat yourself with kindness, that kindness starts to ripple outward.
You become more compassionate, more grounded, more understanding — not just toward yourself, but toward others and the natural world.

You stop judging so harshly.
You stop taking things so personally.
You start seeing the world through a softer, more generous lens.

This is the real magic of self-love.
It liberates you from the mental loops of judgment, shame, and comparison — and opens you up to deeper connection, empathy, and peace.

Self-Love Is a Practice — Not a Destination

Self-love isn’t something you “achieve” once and then check off.
It’s something you practice, over and over — especially in the moments when it feels hard.

There will be days when you fall back into old habits.
That’s okay. That’s normal.

The difference is: you’ll start to notice when it happens.
And you’ll be able to choose differently than you did in the past.

This is how self-trust is built — through small, daily acts of showing up for yourself.

A Personal Example — Listening to Myself Differently

For years, I was someone who pushed through.
Long to-do lists, constant productivity, no space to pause or rest.

I’d skip meals, ignore body aches, drink too much caffeine, and miss out on sleep — never stopping to ask how I was feeling or what I needed.

It wasn’t until my now-fiancé started asking me questions like,
“Do you really need to do that right now?”
“Could it wait until tomorrow?”
That I began to shift.

Those questions changed everything.

Now, I notice the signs. I take more pauses. I ask myself what’s truly urgent — and what’s just habit.

That, too, is self-love.

It’s not always glamorous. But it’s real.
And it makes life feel so much lighter.

Small Ways to Practice Self-Love Today

Self-love often begins with questions like:

• Do I really need to do this right now?
• Do I actually want to go to that event?
• What would feel supportive in this moment?
• Is this a “should” — or a true yes?

These are the kinds of gentle check-ins that change everything.

When you start listening to yourself, everything softens.
And life begins to feel more aligned.

This practice helps you start exploring your boundaries — with yourself and with others.

Your Reflection Invitation

If you want to begin (or deepen) your self-love journey, here are some gentle journal prompts to explore:

• What beliefs or messages did I grow up hearing about self-love?
• What parts of myself do I find it hardest to accept?
• What’s one kind thing I can do for myself today — emotionally, mentally, or physically?
• Where in my life am I still “pushing through”? Can I soften?

And if you’d like more guidance…

✨ Download the free Shadow Work Starter Workbook

It’s the perfect place to begin your inner work — filled with prompts, practices, and insights to help you meet yourself with more compassion.

You can download the free Shadow Work Starter Workbook at the bottom of this post.

Feel free to send me a message here if you have any questions or reflections —> Contact Me 💌

With care,
Marika 💛